1.Q. Don't I Know You?: My freshman roommate Tina never spoke to me. For the first two months we lived together, I would greet her in the morning or try to engage her in conversation. She never responded to me, but when she brought friends back to our room, she would chat up a storm with them. Eventually I gave up trying to engage her in conversation and decided to use her as a ****tail party anecdote for the foreseeable future. Tina and I still attend the same college, and this summer she began dating my boyfriend's best friend. Now she talks to me, but she pret
ends like we never met before. Once I attempted talking about our freshman year experience, and she told me she never met me before. I hate gossiping and talking about people behind their back, and telling Tina's boyfriend about her weirdness seems catty to me. Does her weird behavior warrant a talk with him, since she obviously won't respond to me?
A: This is more than a ****tail party anecdote, this is the opening for a television series! I admire your fortitude in sticking out an entire year with Tina the silent. I hope you've told your boyfriend about this. It would be great if he went to his best friend and said, "Look, Melonie had the weirdest experience freshman year when she was Tina's roommate. If you know anything about why Tina refused to talk to Melonie it would be a relief for her to know." However, I suggest this with the knowledge that men often refuse to engage in such helpful conversations. If your boyfriend won't raise this on your behalf, I don't think you should tell Tina's boyfriend. It is such a bizarre story, and Tina is such a bizarre person, that it sounds as if she would deny the whole thing. This will leave you looking as if you're making groundless accusations. But do let all of us know if you ever get to the bottom of this.
2. Q. Re: Grandma's DNA Test Update: Hi Prudence, I wrote in to you a few weeks ago about how my paternal grandma was convinced my mom had cheated, and I wasn't my late dad's son. I went and had the test. No surprise—I'm his son. Grandma reiterated the age difference as a reason she suspected my mom's fidelity. I get the sense she also thought my dad should have married the woman he dated before my mom, who was apparently wealthy and educated. After we got the test results, she actually had the nerve to say, "It doesn't prove she was faithful to your dad." I told her to never contact us again. I'm a lot happier that my mom's name is cleared with the rest of my dad's family (I do intend to get to know some of them), but my mom has spent the last 13 years raising me alone. I'm not going to invite someone into my life who will treat her like garbage. Thanks to you and all your readers, Prudence.
A: What a pathetic excuse for a grandmother—but I'm sure I made that observation last time you wrote. I hope that you aren't being cut out of some substantial inheritance because of her cruelty. But removing her from your life sounds like a good idea. I also hope that she's an anomaly among your father's relatives and that you find love and welcome from the rest of them.
Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. I hope everyone feels they have something to be thankful for this Thursday.
3. Q. I Don't Want To Help My Neighbor With Cancer: I recently moved into a new home where I share the driveway with five other houses. They are obviously a close-knit neighborhood. Last week one of the neighbors, "Michelle," knocked on my door and told me that "Joan," an elderly woman who lives two houses away, has cancer. Michelle said she and the other neighbors are going to be taking turns bringing meals for Joan once a week for the next three months. She said I had an option of either Wednesday or Friday and asked me to confirm which of the two I wanted. I politely replied that I often eat out and would be unable to commit to a weekly cooking schedule—besides, my cooking skills were terrible and I would feel embarrassed cooking for someone else. Michelle was upset and offended and continued to use emotional blackmail. In the end I told her I would think about it to get her off my porch. It's terrible that Joan has cancer but I do not know her very well, and I don't really want to do this. If my neighbors don't want to look after me if I fall ill, I'm fine with that. Am I an awful person because I don't want to bring weekly meals for a woman I barely know?
A: I have been part of dinner brigades for too many ailing friends. It is a satisfying way to help someone you care about. But what's nice about these missions is that they're composed of people who come willingly. It's great that your neighbors are close knit and want to help Joan. But doing so is not KP duty and Michelle should have politely backed away when you started to balk. You can get back to Michelle and say you cannot sign up for weekly deliveries, but you would like to be put on the calendar for two or three meals and give her those dates. Then just pick up some extra take-out those nights for Joan. Let’s hope your other neighbors don’t conspire with Michelle to shun you.
4. Q. Drunk Friend Drama: My friend Carly gets insanely drunk whenever we're around alcohol. She gets loud, pushy, and oftentimes mean-spirited. Most of our friends laugh off her antics, because they have more experience with drinking than I do. We're all freshmen in college, and I don't want to come off as a killjoy. But three times now, when I've been with an inebriated Carly, she's almost gotten in a fight or has said really hurtful things to me. Is ignoring the comments and behavior of your drunken friends something adults learn to do over time? I don't think Carly would react kindly to me talking to her about her drinking habits. When she's sober, which is the majority of the time, Carly is a wonderful person.
A: The most salient fact here is that you’re all freshmen in college, and unless all of you are later-in-life students, your drinking is illegal. Your teenage friends who have “more experience” with alcohol do not sound like people who enjoy a glass of wine with dinner; it’s just that they’ve had more adventures puking and blacking out. Carly is young, and I don’t know where her drinking will end up, but right now she has a problem. Hers is the kind of behavior that leads to young women finding themselves waking up next to young men they didn’t intend to have sex with. She also sounds like a mean drunk, and while your friends find her “antics” funny, they’re not. When she’s sober, go out for coffee with her and tell her that you’re concerned about her alcohol intake. You can say she’s probably not even aware of her personality changes when she drinks, but she has said some truly nasty things to you. Add that you’re concerned about her safety when she drinks, because she doesn’t seem in control of herself. If she blows you off, but keeps drinking, report her to the resident adviser.
