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Post Info TOPIC: Workplace etiquette, Thanksgiving Hell, Friend Changed Her Wedding Date 2012.12.9


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Workplace etiquette, Thanksgiving Hell, Friend Changed Her Wedding Date 2012.12.9
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Q. Workplace etiquette: I work in a very small office and have a very sweet colleague. While we have excellent rapport, we are not "friends" in the sense that we don't confide in each other or even meet each other outside of work. However, I really do like and respect her a lot. We were on our way back from work one day and decided to stop for a bite of lunch and window shopping. She really liked a piece of clothing, but decided not to buy it because of the price. I want to buy it for her but I don't want her to think I'm trying to show off my wealth (I'm not that rich) or her to feel obligated to buy me something in return. I just respect her and think she's been a fantastic colleague. Should I go ahead and buy it for her, without any occasion (she does not have birthday coming up, and neither of us are Christian so it can’t be a Christmas present)? It's not wildly out of reach for me; it's about the cost of a gift I might buy for a close friend's birthday.

 

A: Your impulse is lovely, but I think it would create more awkwardness than joy. Your colleague would feel a sense of obligation, particularly since she knows how expensive the item is. And every time she wore it, it would probably chafe slightly. But when her birthday does roll around buy her something you know she’d like but that’s not too expensive—so she can appreciate your thoughtfulness without thinking she’s going to have to go broke to return it.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/11/dear_prudence_my_half_sister_by_my_father_s_affair_wants_to_meet_the_family.html

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Q. Thanksgiving Hell: My family is getting ready for our annual Thanksgiving dinner. We used to look forward to Thanksgiving, now we dread it. My sister's husband's side of the family has made a recent tradition of inviting themselves to our family dinner at my mom's house. Politically, they are much more "severely" conservative than Mitt Romney claimed he was. That’s OK, but the problem is that my brother is gay and insists on discussing politics with my brother-in-law's family. Comments from my brother-in-law's family such as "homosexuals are living a sinful life," "the gay agenda is destroying this country," and "if I ever found out one of my kids were gay, I'd never speak to him again" are the beginning of the end. As noxious as these comments are, my bigoted in-laws would never mention them if my brother and his partner didn't broach the topic. How do I convince my brother that engaging this family on this topic is a lose-lose proposition for everyone? He claims he's only defending himself and his partner when the in-laws bring up the topic.

 

A: First of all, how do people invite themselves for Thanksgiving? Surely these people had somewhere else to go before they started crashing your event. Some representative from your family (if everyone agrees with your point of view!) should have a blunt talk with your sister saying that her husband’s family is making your Thanksgivings very awkward. She can be told it’s understandable if she has to alternate holiday appearances at your family’s table to be with them in some years, but your family doesn’t want to set a permanent place for her in-laws. But surely they’re coming this year, so tell your brother that everyone agrees with you their views are noxious, but they are only expressing them because he’s provoking them. He’s not going to change their minds, all he does is congeal the mood like overcooked gravy. Ask him to leave the discussion of politics for more congenial company.

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Q. Friend Changed Her Wedding Date for Me but I Don't Want To Attend: My friend is engaged and her wedding will be held five hours' drive from where I am. She spent a lot of money coming to my wedding in Tahiti so I really wanted to come to hers, except it falls on my due date. I already have a scheduled C-section. I told her regretfully I won't be able to make it, and she was hurt and upset. Then three days ago I received an invitation for her wedding, and it is two weeks after her original wedding date. She attached a note telling me how delighted she was to "surprise" me with the "great news"—she changed her wedding date especially for me so I can now attend! I called her asking what was going on and she confirmed she changed her wedding date because she really wants me to be there. It caused her in-laws a great deal of inconvenience and she had a big fight with her fiancé's mother about it. She genuinely thought I would be thrilled at the news. I know it sounds selfish, but I do NOT want to drive five hours and back with a newborn two weeks after a C-section. I murmured a noncommittal reply and my friend took that as a "Yes, I'm coming!" How do I tell my friend I won't be coming to her wedding, after all? Am I a terrible person?

 

A: Even if you were the one getting married to your friend, I would advise you that under the circumstances, you would not be able to make it. Unless the groom himself is off his rocker, I’m thinking you probably won’t have to worry about when this wedding takes place because surely he has to wise up and call it off. Anyone as immature as the bride is not ready for the adult responsibilities of marriage. You can call or email the bride and say you really wish she hadn’t changed the date without consulting you. It turns out you have consulted your doctor and have been told you simply cannot make a 10-hour car trip two weeks after your delivery. That means as much as you wanted to see her get married, you can’t. Period. Maybe the bride will join up with the sister-in-law in the letter above, and you will find yourself watching her wedding take place in your delivery room.

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/11/dear_prudence_i_walked_in_on_my_son_pleasuring_himself_with_the_vacuum_cleaner.html



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