Q. Social Network Relationship Entanglement: A few months ago I joined an online group of like-minded people where we often discuss personal relationship problems. I have found that griping about my husband to anonymous people online is a lot better than venting my frustrations at him. Lately my husband has also been really good at changing some of the behaviors that have always driven me up the wall, and now I know why. While using his laptop, I happened to notice him logged in as one of the members of my group! He created a fake persona and has seen every gripe I ever typed about him! I haven't confronted him on this, and to be honest it has been a convenient way to indirectly communicate my frustrations to him. So should I tell him I know who he is, quit the group, or just let this be?
A: I'm sure my husband would love me to follow your lead and post my complaints online instead of expressing them directly to him. Then he'd follow your husband's example of not discussing any of this with me. Where he'd differ is the part where he logs on and reads my nagging, then dedicates himself to meeting my standards of the perfect husband. Your situation sounds like a variation of that dreadful Pina Colada song. But I'd find your version more believable if it turned out your husband was remaking himself to please you in order to divert you from exploring the fact that most of his time online is spent looking for kinky sex partners. It's also possible that you haven't paid enough attention to the male poster on this site who complains that his hypercontrolling witch of a wife doesn't even appreciate when he makes the changes she wants. I suggest that, to get back to face-to-face communication, you tell your online audience that your husband has undergone a remarkable transformation and you're so moved by this that you're going to let him know how much his efforts have meant to you. Then do so, in person, including letting your husband know you know he's a member of your rant group.
Q. I Don't Want Mother-in-Law's Money for Our Wedding: When we got engaged, my boyfriend and I agreed we didn't want anyone to pay for our wedding. Partly because I think, as a self-sufficient adult, I should pay for my own event—and secondly, because I know how people can be as soon as money is involved. He and I have both turned down his mother's offers to pay for various things multiple times. She keeps insisting and has firmly told us she will pay. No surprise—she's added 10 of her friends to our guest list. When my boyfriend asked who they were—a hint—she replied, "My friends." I'm not inviting any of my mother's friends, and this is a very small event—about 70 people without her friends. Frankly, I don't want people I barely know at my wedding, or my mother-in-law's money. Is there a kind way to settle this with someone who's absurdly headstrong? I imagine she will just put the money in a card anyway and be offended if we don't invite her friends, as she will still have “paid” for some of the wedding.
A: Another in-law question, another time for the son to step up. No hints with this woman. Your fiancé should say, "Mom, we know our wedding is a big deal for you and you would like your friends there. But we are having a small ceremony we are paying for ourselves and we can't expand the guest list. But after we're married and back from the honeymoon, we would love to have a party at your house where we see your friends and celebrate." Then the subject is closed. Both of you learning to stand up to an "absurdly headstrong" woman will make the next several decades more pleasant.
Q. Boyfriend With Terrible Manners: My lovely boyfriend—cute, smart, warm, loving, devoted—has about the worst manners, especially at the table, that I have ever encountered in my life. He doesn't know how to hold a fork, he wraps his left arm protectively around his food and hovers his upper body over it, he uses his left hand to help food onto his fork or spoon, he slurps soup and spaghetti loudly and sloppily. I've tried to bring it up in lighthearted way, especially in the context of meeting my parents, and he doesn't get it. I do not want to insult someone I love, and by proxy his parents, but I couldn't in a million years bring him to a dinner party, a nice restaurant, a family gathering, basically anywhere outside of the confines of my apartment. The one time we had a full meal out people did stare and I've steered us into drinks or a movie rather than dinner ever since. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm also concerned for his reputation in his line of work and in his peer group. When he eats, he looks and behaves like he's at a Renaissance Fair. How do I address this with the man I love without hurting his feelings?
A: You address this directly, factually, and unemotionally. You say he's probably completely unaware but his table manners are not standard and they unnecessarily detract from people's impression of him. You get him a basic book on etiquette and ask him to read the portion on dining. If he doesn't crack it open, ask him, for the sake of your relationship, to go to a short number of etiquette classes. I'm sure you can find an expert in your area who will work with an adult one on one. If you are in love with a man who you could never go to a dinner party, a restaurant, or a family gathering with, and he won't change that, then you're involved with a guy you're soon going to have to dump.
Q. Being Turned Into a Black Sheep: My family is convinced that my smart, hardworking, caring boyfriend of nearly two years is a deadbeat because he has a disability. Nothing I say will convince them otherwise. They declared him persona non grata after just one meeting, so there's nothing he can really do to change their minds either. I hoped that time would soften them up a little, but we are living together and nothing has changed. At this point, we are talking marriage and kids. I guess what I'm asking is for advice on how to be the black sheep of the family. On the one hand, I wouldn't want our future kids to spend time with people who can think such hateful things about their dad. On the other hand, I don't want to burn any unnecessary bridges. What do other people do in this situation?
A: Who are these people? Parents who let their sons beat up their daughters? People who suggest abortions to pregnant women? And now an entire family who wants to shun someone with a disability? You are not the black sheep. Your family is a flock of them. You don't have to announce, "We are now officially estranged." But you do have to say that you and your boyfriend are a couple and either he is welcomed as your partner, or you won't be able to attend future family events without him.
Q. May–December: I'm 52, well-educated, financially secure, single with no dependents, own my home, have multiple pursuits and passions, and am happily employed part-time. I’ve had no relationships the last many years. I met someone whom I share many interests with and he's a vibrant, athletic, intellectual and intelligent ... 72-year-old. I am really torn. Very drawn to him, but the age difference is an obstacle. Do you have any advice for me? Should I forget the age difference and enjoy the relationship? I have no interest in his money or anything like that—I have my own. I like him for him. I am looking for a way to think about this but it clearly bothers me or I would have cut ties or plunged in. Help. Thank you.
A: Sure, you don't have an endless timeline when you fall for someone in his 70s, but you've been alone for many years, are comfortable in that, and have suddenly found yourself happily spending time with a vibrant man much your senior. I say go for it and see where this unexpected connection leads.
