Q. Boyfriend With Terrible Manners: My lovely boyfriend—cute, smart, warm, loving, devoted—has about the worst manners, especially at the table, that I have ever encountered in my life. He doesn't know how to hold a fork, he wraps his left arm protectively around his food and hovers his upper body over it, he uses his left hand to help food onto his fork or spoon, he slurps soup and spaghetti loudly and sloppily. I've tried to bring it up in lighthearted way, especially in the context of meeting my parents, and he doesn't get it. I do not want to insult someone I love, and by proxy his parents, but I couldn't in a million years bring him to a dinner party, a nice restaurant, a family gathering, basically anywhere outside of the confines of my apartment. The one time we had a full meal out people did stare and I've steered us into drinks or a movie rather than dinner ever since. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm also concerned for his reputation in his line of work and in his peer group. When he eats, he looks and behaves like he's at a Renaissance Fair. How do I address this with the man I love without hurting his feelings?
A: You address this directly, factually, and unemotionally. You say he's probably completely unaware but his table manners are not standard and they unnecessarily detract from people's impression of him. You get him a basic book on etiquette and ask him to read the portion on dining. If he doesn't crack it open, ask him, for the sake of your relationship, to go to a short number of etiquette classes. I'm sure you can find an expert in your area who will work with an adult one on one. If you are in love with a man who you could never go to a dinner party, a restaurant, or a family gathering with, and he won't change that, then you're involved with a guy you're soon going to have to dump.
Q. Being Turned Into a Black Sheep: My family is convinced that my smart, hardworking, caring boyfriend of nearly two years is a deadbeat because he has a disability. Nothing I say will convince them otherwise. They declared him persona non grata after just one meeting, so there's nothing he can really do to change their minds either. I hoped that time would soften them up a little, but we are living together and nothing has changed. At this point, we are talking marriage and kids. I guess what I'm asking is for advice on how to be the black sheep of the family. On the one hand, I wouldn't want our future kids to spend time with people who can think such hateful things about their dad. On the other hand, I don't want to burn any unnecessary bridges. What do other people do in this situation?
A: Who are these people? Parents who let their sons beat up their daughters? People who suggest abortions to pregnant women? And now an entire family who wants to shun someone with a disability? You are not the black sheep. Your family is a flock of them. You don't have to announce, "We are now officially estranged." But you do have to say that you and your boyfriend are a couple and either he is welcomed as your partner, or you won't be able to attend future family events without him.
Q. May–December: I'm 52, well-educated, financially secure, single with no dependents, own my home, have multiple pursuits and passions, and am happily employed part-time. I’ve had no relationships the last many years. I met someone whom I share many interests with and he's a vibrant, athletic, intellectual and intelligent ... 72-year-old. I am really torn. Very drawn to him, but the age difference is an obstacle. Do you have any advice for me? Should I forget the age difference and enjoy the relationship? I have no interest in his money or anything like that—I have my own. I like him for him. I am looking for a way to think about this but it clearly bothers me or I would have cut ties or plunged in. Help. Thank you.
A: Sure, you don't have an endless timeline when you fall for someone in his 70s, but you've been alone for many years, are comfortable in that, and have suddenly found yourself happily spending time with a vibrant man much your senior. I say go for it and see where this unexpected connection leads.
